Saturday, May 21, 2011


From Christmas lights 2009

So... we have this theory: Evelyn Anders is a miserable lady because she was never named Miss Chick at Poultry Days. What do you think?

In a high school class of 119, there is no great honor in winning Homecoming Queen. Who was she competing with? Evelyn Anders needed a win from a larger pool. Miss Chick? Everyone would say she had the hometown advantage. She cast her view more widely.

She flat-out refused to consider even entering the queen pageant for the Eaton Pork Festival. Miss Piggy? Queen Sow? Similarly, she ruled out Bradford’s Pumpkin Show- too easy for the comments to turn ghastly.

Annie Oakley Days. Only at the last minute did Evelyn understand that SHOOTING was part of a winning package… and that didn’t include shooting the team that was setting up the next target. Eliminated.

Minster’s Oktoberfest. Her place in the finalist group was snatched away thanks to some unspeakable accident involving massive quantities of beer.

Nearing the end of senior year came the big county-wide senior dance at Rossburg Chevrolet: The Rossburg-a-go-go. Certain she would win, Evelyn was crushed when a ballot box stuffing scandal (her words, not mine) awarded the price to the bitch (her words, not mine)from Russia. No prize. No tiara. No Chevette.

So, Evelyn deigned to enter the Miss Chick Contest. Designed her poultry themed dress. Practiced her wave. Arranged with her uncle, the squirrelly one, to borrow his convertible. And………

Maybe she won. (Still it was a year with a lot of hate and the win a cheap, no pun intended, hometown honor. Everyone said that!)

Then, again, maybe her crown was pulled at the last minute when it was revealed that she was far too closely related to the very vociferous group of radical vegans who were at the time of the crowing, defacing the world’s largest omelet.

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