S.O.S. to Tim Gunn

I've been watching "Tim Gunn's Guide to Style". Really, you only have to watch one episode- even if you, like me, are a die-hard Tim Gunn fan. But, I'm alone this week and I'm all caught up on "Project Runway".

I imagine everyone who watches a reality show pictures herself on that deserted island or in that locked house or living with Paris Hilton. And, I can CLEARLY see the first 25% of TGGTS- Tim Gunn is coming in 30 min. I don't change clothes. The photos of what I've worn each day last week- I'm swimming in a red camp shirt- everyday. That's because what I'm wearing now is not appropriate for (even) Bravo. And, what's the big event I have to dress for? Steve and Tanya's wedding. In the 5 minutes I have to "get ready" I put on my fish dress. (It is the least bad dress I have- I tried them all on yesterday.) It is fine- or not too bad- from the waist down. Like everything else, the top is too big. It is gaping across the back. Maybe the front, too. I was too horrified to truly study the situation.) A meaningful glance is passed between Tim and his "Iusedtobeasupermodel" sidekick, Veronica Webb. A tour of my closet- I might get to keep a pair of black dress pants. Mostly, they're making faces at my way too big, shapeless shirts and dresses. They also think too much is too juvenile. I know deep down that they're much more likely to applaud my underwear drawer than my shoe collection. Fortunately for me, they NEVER ask to see shoes.

After this commercial break everything becomes foggy in my imagination. I guess I'm willing to believe that in the high end lingerie store they take me to something fits. Its TV, after all. "Don't try this at home". But, then they take me to Myers. I was there yesterday trying to do better than my fish dress. The only time they are happy with a shirt or dress is when they are standing behind me and pinching yards of cloth from the back so it looks like it fits up front.

I thought shopping in the US was difficult. I was really challenged to find anything in a six- let alone something s-m-a-l-l-e-r- like something that FIT. The other thing that impressed me was that the prices - outrageously expensive. I did find a jacket that fit and that I liked. It had been marked down 3 times and now on the clearance rack it was $74. The dresses I breezed by cost more than I paid for my formal wedding gown.

I did stop by the alteration store- but there isn't enough time for me to get my dress to them and then pick it up before the wedding. Even if I bought a new dress and had taken it immediately, I couldn't get back to the mall until after the wedding. Well, I could get to the mall on Sunday- but the alteration place is closed.

Anyway, Tim. Don't you think a vacation in Brisbane sounds like a good idea? There is no time like the present. You probably don't want to witness the ordeal of me trying on bras- or shoes so it's OK to bring Veronica- or better yet, a female friend with a personality. I could put you up. If you're interested, I could already haul my wardrobe off to the goodwill bin at the train station. Save us a little time. We're going to need it.